To provide the BEER best possible canoeing experience BEER to our clients be they
corporate, group or individual. BEER. We feel that by BEER treating each and
NEKKID WOMEN every canoe trip as if we were personally paddling we would BEER be able to
maintain the NEKKID WOMEN high level of standards that have enabled us to NUDITY become
and stay the "Finest BIKINI TOPLESS in Canoeing since Noon yesterday.
A Message from the President
(Mr. Michael Henry):
Fellow Canoers and Friends of Canoers I welcome you to our online representation of our company. We have striven to give this site the essence of what makes Canoeki great. But how do you give electronic media a Soul? How do you give it the same sweat and guts that all of us here possess and pour into everything we do? How can you breathe that ever important breath of life into something that is static and so potentially impersonal? You go canoeing, that's how. You take those Web Designers out in canoes in the middle of a lake or stream and you let them LIVE ! You let them feel what it is like to grip their paddles until their knuckles are white and PADDLE ! PADDLE! Up and down the river, back and forth from bank to bank! Until their shoulders scream in agony and the coolers are empty. Then you lead the meek developers back to their cubes where they sit, physically and emotionally drained filled with a numb understanding of what we here at Canoeki are all about.
Welcome my friends, to the Canoeki Web Site.
Live it. Breath it. Stroke it until your arms hurt.
Michael R. Henry
President of Canoeki Enterprises
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1798 - Konoeki Outfitters open their doors. Two young immigrants, Ezikiel Henry and Vlad Rittinger open up a canoe rental shop located on the Great Miami River in Ohio. Their half-witted friend Percy Seaton ran a tavern up the street. The locals reacted poorly to this canoe rental business and the entrepreneurs suffered financially. Then Ezikiel and Vlad one day had the idea of offering free beer from Percy's tavern to all canoers. The business suddenly picked up. Konoeki was here to stay. |
| 1803 - Lewis, Clark and Goldberg contract with Konoeki to outfit an expedition to find the Northwest Passage and map the Louisiana Territory. Konoeki accomplish this task and Lewis, Clark and Goldberg begin their heroic journey on May 4th, 1804. Unfortunately one of the experimental paper mache' canoes Konoeki had designed especially for this trip sank two days into the trip and Goldberg was eaten by a bear. Later Lewis and Clark, without Goldberg, set out again with a different Outfitting company. |  |
1845 - Ezekial and Vlad open up a House of ill Repute on the back of Konoeki canoe rental. The business prospers until the half-witted friend Percy Seaton gives all the girls venereal disease and the Health department shuts them down.
1892 - Jeremia Henry (Ezikial's son) invents the first steam powered canoe.Jimbo Rittinger (Vlad's male child) gets arrested for indecent exposure and spends 30 days in jail where he is voted "Best Prison Bitch, 1892". Charlie Seaton (Percy's illegitimate spawn) has surgery to remove a gerbil that he had "accidentally sat on" and gotten stuck.
1939 - Following the crash on Wall Street Konoeki experienced some "restructuring" in order to pay off some gambling debts. This enabled Jeremiah and Jimbo to keep their legs unbroken, a specialty of the Mob. Following the restructuring Konoeki experienced a rebirth with the children of Jeremiah Henry and Jimbo Rittinger taking ownership. They soon hire Charlie Seaton's adopted son, Eugene to clean and scrape barnacles off canoes.
1963 - Eugene Seaton spawns a child. After much consideration they decide not to kill it and name it Gale, due to its androgynous look. This later turns out to be a bad idea.
1966 - Adolph Rittinger sires a son. He names this child Ron.
1968 - Joseph Henry presents the world his son named Michelle ... upon closer examination and through the use of a magnifying glass, the name was later changed to Michael.
1997 - Mike, Ron and Gale change the name of the company from "Kanoeki" to "Canoeki" after inadvertently discovering that canoe was spelled with a "C" not a "K". Thanks to Bill Gates and the fabulous Microsoft products (that we have no choice other than to use) for this discovery.
