Canoeki Frequently Asked Questions
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[0] Canoeki BackgroundCanoeki was founded in 1798 by Ezikiel Henry and Vlad Rittinger who had the vision to open up a canoe rental shop on the Great Miami River in Ohio. With the addition of the 3rd business partner Percy Seaton (who owned the local, water powered tavern), Canoeki was a huge success. Since that time, Canoeki has grown and expanded to offer a full line of beer related water based activities. |
[0.1] What is a canoeki?Main Entry: 1ca·noe·kiPronunciation: k&-'nü-'kE Function: noun Etymology: French, from New Latin canoakeysum, from Spanish, from Arawakankey, of Cariban origin; akin to Carib kanaki:wa canoeki :1 a A fierce, beer drinking heathen who sits in a light narrow boat with both ends sharp that is sometimes propelled by paddling. :2 a One who enjoys canoeing and nookie (while drinking beer of course). |
[0.2] Why was canoeki founded?The Canoeki mission statement says it all - To provide the BEER best possible canoeing experience BEER to our clients be they corporate, group or individual. BEER. We feel that by BEER treating each and NEKKID WOMEN every canoe trip as if we were personally paddling we would BEER be able to maintain the NEKKID WOMEN high level of standards that have enabled us to NUDITY become and stay the "Finest BIKINI TOPLESS in Canoeing since Noon yesterday. |
[0.3] Who are the current executives of canoeki enterprises?Mr. Michael R. Henry - President • emailMr. Ronald A. Rittinger - Vice President • email Mr. Gale D. Seaton - Chief Technology Officer • email |
[1.0] Canoeki SeminarsCanoeki Enterprises offers a wide range of training seminars that allow our clients to be prepared to meet the challenges of today's canoeing and beer drinking environment. Please visit our products page to schedule a seminar today! |
[1.1] I want to attend a seminar, how do I convince my spouse I need to attend?Canoeing like any good marriage should be based on lies. Tell the wife you have to work, or better yet, tell the wife you are going shopping to pick her out that special present for her birthday. When you return, smelling of drink and river water, tell her the smell of the booze is from your shirt which was puked upon by your drunken buddy Gale Seaton as you gave him a ride home because you were concerned to let him drive home by himself. How did you run into Gale - Insert shopping/work lie here. If she asks about the smell of crap emitting from your shorts, let her know Gale crapped in your pants as well.
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[1.2] I want to attend a seminar, what should I bring?For each seminar, be sure to bring the following:
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[1.3] What should I expect when attending a Canoeki seminar?A typical seminar day starts around 9:00-9:15am, this is the time you
arrive at the designated pickup point. At 9:30 sharp, the seminar transportation
vehicle (a truck) will take all participants to the Canoeki livery where
we plan on taking 10:00am trip. Note: Be sure to adjust these times if the start time is changed. After the seminar has concluded we'll head back to the Canoeki banquet hall to recap the days events and partake in burgers/dogs/etc. Those who do not attend the seminar itself but are interested in the post seminar activities are always welcome. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact the Canoeki help desk. |
[1.4] I'm not a strong canoer or swimmer, is Canoeki for me?You haven't been paying attention have you? What part of Canoeki don't you understand?!?! Canoeki has very, very little to do with what most people consider canoeing. When we at Canoeki Enterprises say "lets got canoeing", what we really mean is lets get a bunch of beer and float down the river/creek IN A canoe. Make sense? It is required that every person have a life jacket (supplied at the livery) and the average water depth is only 3 feet or so. There are a few deep spots, but the idea is to stay IN the canoe and not have to swim. Swimming is always an option but never a requirement.
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[1.5] My skirt will never be dry in time, is it ok if I show up late for a seminar?The Canoeki flotilla is EASY overtaken and you can show up 1 or even 2 hours late and still easily catch up. In fact, chances are, we're still floundering near the entry point trying to figure out which way to paddle.
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[1.6] How do I know if the water is JUST RIGHT for my trip?By visiting the Canoeki Products page and then clicking the "conditions" link beneath the "location" heading you can check the current water level of the little Miami river. 3.0 over stage is the perfect amount of water for a canoe trip. 2.4 or lower is not recommended as this translates to constant depoorters. For a definition of the term depoorters, please see the "terms and definitions" section of this FAQ. Note: 2.4 also means you have to paddle and to paddle means you have no hands available for drinking which is considered a canoeki foul.
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[2.0] General QuestionsRemember, there are no stupid questions only stupid people. |
[2.1] Is it against the law to have beer in a canoe?It really all depends on who you ask. If you ask us, heck no, in fact it is encouraged. So long as the "dead soldiers" are kept in the canoe (in an empty cooler or trash bag or urine filled hull) and so long as you drink in the canoe and NOT on park ground, all is well. In fact, we strongly believe that it would take a United States coast guard to enforce any maritime violations we might be committing. The state of Ohio however, has a slightly different response: Article 1547.63 of the Ohio Revised Code states: Every sheriff, deputy sheriff, marshal, deputy marshal, member of the organized police department of any municipal corporation, police constable of any township, wildlife officer, park officer, preserve officer, conservancy district police officer, and other law enforcement officer, within the area of his authority, may enforce this chapter and rules adopted by the chief of the division of watercraft and, in the exercise thereof, may stop and board any vessel subject to this chapter and rules adopted under it. Board a canoe?!?! Isn't that the silliest thing you ever heard? |
[3.0] Terms and DefinitionsMany of the Canoeki terms are confusing to new comers, this section should help |
[3.1] What is a depoorter?A depoorter is the technical term for the sudden and violent inversion of a once peaceful canoe. Example, lets say you are happily floating down the river with beer in hand, listening to the birds chirp their merry tune, soaking in the warm sun on your pale skin and as you reach for a snack, WHAM, you're in the water. That's a depoorter. Note: It is considered poor canoeing form to wish a depoorter on someone, in fact, a polite canoer will often begin the day with "No depoorters for ya" and wink.
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[3.2] Why did someone yell farley at me?Most likely you did something bad and you diserved it that's why. The term farley is considered crude in many circles but sometimes canoeing is vulgar activity. Often, when someone depoorters they will scream "FARLEY" just before they hit the water. Canoe, canoe, canoe, drink drink drink, gee I'm having a great time .... DEPOORTER !!!! Gurgle, splash, gasp ... FARLEY! Son of a FARLEY, if you mother FARLEYS do that to me again I'm going to bust your skull. etc.
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