Duties : Responsibilities revolve around taking phone and walk-in reservations for canoe rentals, handing out safety brochures and making sure all participants have an adequate supply of beer.   Candidate must be EXTREMELY well endowed and a female.  Must look good in tight, wet shorts and must be willing to perform any service required ... no matter how demeaning or perverted.  Note: be sure to remove last paragraph before posting this job description.

Duties : The qualified candidate must be able to construct canoe like crafts from cheapest materials possible while maintaining an appearance of quality and sturdiness.  Must also be able to repair large gaping holes to water crafts returned or dredged up from bottom of river/creek.

Duties : Heh, heh.  Accidents will happen, qualified candidates are required to help recover from them.  Persons must be able to work independently in deep murky water with large leg swallowing catfish (unconfirmed).  Candidates should also have strong stomach to face bloated carcasses of "former, no longer desired clientele" should they still be clinging to OUR canoe with cold, lifeless hands. Benefits : Diver may keep 50%f of all personal effects recovered and not claimed by former clients family/courts of law.  Any alcohol recovered shall be returned to the Presidential Cooler at once.

Duties :  Keep our asses out of jail, mostly.  Must be able to draft iron-clad no-fault contracts to be included in canoe rental agreements while simultaneously fighting bogus paternity suits filed by money-hungry canoe groupies.  I mean hey, they knew what they were doing.  And we were drunk. They looked like they were 18 as well.

Duties : Help rehab clients who may have suffered an unfortunate 'accident' while on a canoe outing.   An accident that we are not responsible for, mind  you.  I mean, jeez, you signed the agreement and all and we told you not   to drink...

Duties : Keep order and peace in the corporate headquarters, 'convince' clients to pay their bills, handle photographers who take pictures at bad times, teach children some respect, crush beer cans on your forehead when we are too tired to do it ourselves, exercise for us so we don't get flabby, client complaints, hiding the remains of 'former clients', transportation of under-age cheerleaders, and other duties as desired.

Benefits :  Free raw meat.

Duties : Be able to prove that we did not steal any graphics or ideas from anybody else's web sites or other media.   Instead prove that we are taking 'artistic license' and are merely honoring those who have 'similar' graphics or ideas.  In fact, why don't you stop being so anal about the whole thing, huh?  Christ.  I mean, if you did not think it was good enough for someone to steal why did you put it out there in the first place where just ANYONE could come along and take it?  Are you stupid?  Woah.  Wait a minute.   Was I thinking that or talking?  Probably thinking.

Duties : Shuttle wealthy clients to their drop off points and accompany them on the trip.   Make sure every need is attended to including the cleansing of any orifice that becomes soiled due to defecation (wipe their ass).  Also must be able to pamper them with 'rugged living' to humor their 'outdoorsy urges'.  These 'outdoorsy urges' will be catered to with daytime stops at two different river-side malls and an overnight stay at the Marriott On The River.  Guide must also be available to style hair and give full makeovers to allow the ladies to enjoy the rugged and primitive evening outing entitled "Fruity man with Big Kack sings and dances while weeping tenderly".

Duties :  Not much really.  Take the poor bastards to the canoe stable and let them point out which canoe they want.  You then take the canoe number, the deposit for said canoe and then give them a map of where to put in their canoe.  No physical labor needed, customer does all the work. 

Benefits :  While customer is wrestling with the canoe you may feel free to chat up their wives and take whatever you want from their coolers.

Duties :  Take care of stable of prostitutes and collect 'donations' for appropriate massage.  Must be willing carry a concealed firearm in case the client gets out of hand.  Must be able to keep the pretty ones clean for the wealthy clients.  The nasty ones can be contracted out to whomever.

Duties :  Duties are listed in an envelope in the company safe located somewhere in the headquarters building.  The first person who can steal it undetected and bring it to us will be hired.

Duties : Rile up the local unions to get them to go on strike.  Union workers off work due to a good strike like to relax while canoeing and enjoying a good Pabst beer!   Go America!